I have been thinking of calling myself “the inappropriate grief coach.” Mostly because of my inappropriate sense of humor. Yes, I’m probably the one that laughs at a funeral. No, not at the death itself but because that’s my way of dealing with difficult situations, death and grief included. I do understand not everyone agrees with my sense of humor so I try to keep it at a minimum. When I actually started thinking about grief in general, not just after a human death, calling myself “the inappropriate grief coach” made me start thinking, maybe I’m on to something.
We can agree to disagree because opinions are after all like assholes, and these are strictly my opinions. When I think about grief it makes me wonder, is there ever really an appropriate time for grief? NO! If you have ever experienced a close death and remember returning to work after bereavement leave. Everything is inappropriate. Having to work when you don’t feel like breathing at that moment, much less having to be around people (if you’re like me). EVERYONE saying “I’m sorry, let me know if there’s anything I can do” because that’s the polite thing to do. How appropriate would it be if I said, “Yes there is something, a blunt and a Xanax would be helpful?” I could just imagine the shock on the face of the person and not knowing what to say, perhaps I will try this one day just to see the reactions.
Think about it, as humans people avoid the subject of death like the plague. Why? WE ALL HAVE TO DO IT! Death and grief are messy. When people offer their condolences, we say, “thank you.” That’s the appropriate response. What’s inappropriate to me is that as the grieving person we are expected to be ok after 3 days of bereavement leave. We are supposed to return to normal at work and go on about our life after 3 days. The grieving person has trouble eating, sleeping, thinking and all they think of are if only, could have, should have. I have experienced great personal loss in many ways which is why I’m here.
Like many, during the Covid-19 pandemic I was hit hard in a variety of ways. I’m not going into specifics but within the span of seven months I experienced the deaths of my grandfather due to a stroke, numerous residents to Covid-19, and finally my own mother to Covid in 2021, just before she was eligible for the vaccine. I hadn’t prepared for her death so soon after the death of my grandfather. I most definitely wasn’t prepared for her die due to the virus she feared the most, especially when she took precautions. It was a shock to my system. I went through all the stages of grief and still continue to go through moments; grief in unending. Grief is profound love with no place to go. Soon after the death of my mother, my dear Flossie died; she was my “why” at work.
Flossie, despite having dementia, could hold a conversation. She saw me more valuable than I saw myself, looked at me with more appreciation than anyone ever had, was a sassy, sarcastic, pain in my ass at times, offered nothing but pure love to those around her, and only wanted a friend. Twelve days after the death of Ms. Flossie, I put in my notice. I genuinely loved the staff and residents at my job, but the workplace had become toxic due to corporate changes.
My journey has led me to become a life coach and death doula. I remember my overwhelming grief made me feel so isolated and alone. All I wanted to do was not think about it but I also wanted to share the heartbreak. Did anyone really care? Maybe. Did they fully understand? Most, no. I understand grief at a core level and I’m learning to coach others through their grief. Everything about grief is inappropriate but as I’m learning more about the spiritual, physical, and mental aspects of life, death, dying and beyond, I know I am being led to heal through coaching.
As “the inappropriate grief coach” I don’t mind listening to where you are in your grief. It’s not up to me to tell you it’s time to move on, I simply want to be there with you as you decide what’s next. It’s your grief, your choice of when to move forward.
Grief is not only physical death. Job loss, pet loss, divorce, loss of self, and so forth. There are so many facets to grief. Maybe you walked away from an opportunity and you’ve never grieved over it. Whatever inappropriate grief you’re carrying, maybe it’s time to figure out what’s next.